Let's begin at the beginning, Sam. To start with, where were you born?  

I was born in a carton marked "Burglars A to C."  

Could you explain that a little further?  

Which part would you like explained? Born, carton, or burglar?  

Carton and burglar, I think would do. I mean, were the burglars still in the carton?

It was an old file carton, Peach. I heard the cops had gotten computers and dumped the files and tossed the box.  

So where was it?  

You mean the box? At the 9th Precinct.  

Oh my goodness, Sam. It means you're a born cop!  

Put it this way, Peach. You could say I cut my teeth on a pair of handcuffs.  

Did you ever work as a cop?  

As a cop detective. I had to quit. It's a dog's life, Peach.  

You mean it's sort of...dirty, hairy and hard?  

Not really. I mean it's all about fetching papers and following rules. If I hadn't've quit, they'd've fired me anyway, Peach. For insubordination.  

How do you spell that and what does it mean? 

Well, in general, Peach, it means I don't do tricks or come when I'm called.  

I guess you're a natural free-lancer.  

Sorry, Kitten. I'm never free. You want my service, I want the pay.  

And then the payment would be...?  

A half a pound of lox, plus expenses.  

You work often?  

Often enough.  

I'd like to ask you about your family.  

I'm still single, if that's what you mean.  

But you had a mother.  

She lives in the Bronx with my older sister and one of the cops.  

Do you have any brothers?  

My brother Sal. What can I tell you? He lives in a Chinese restaurant in Rego Park.  

Do you ever talk to him?  

Not very often. He only likes to talk about business. Moo Goo Gai Pan....Egg Foo Yung...  

You mean the subject is less than fruitful.  

Oh he likes to talk about fruit. Mostly pineapple slices...  

Right. Moving on--  

That's the place to move.  

After the precinct, where did you go?  

I hung around for a while on the streets. I learned the city. I made some friends.  

And now you live and work in a bookstore. "Spies and Eyes," I believe it's called. How did you get there? 

Walked through the door. Or more specifically, jumped through the mail slot. Three Septembers ago. At 3 o'clock in the morning in teeming rain.  

You were looking for shelter?  

I was looking for a bookstore. Barnes and Noble was already closed. --Are we almost finished? I'm on a case.  

Would you like to tell us about it?  

Sure. As soon as it's over, I'll write a book.  

Do you like writing?  

I guess it depends. When it comes easy, I guess I like it.  

That implies that it's often hard.  

It's often harder than stale bagels.  

Mmm. I sort of know what you mean. But you know, whenever I'm stuck for words I take a picture of what I'm stuck on.  

I think you lost me.  

I mean--you know, I mean...whatever I can't describe. I mean for example, Sammy, I couldn't think of the words to describe your face so--  

The words are "camera-shy," kiddo.  

C'mon, Sammy--  

Not on your life. 

But I need your picture!  

I gotta go. --Put that camera down, Peach! Peach, I'm warning you, DON'T SHOOT!  

Never trust a reporter!